you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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