I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
