i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
