11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
