Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
