im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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