My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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