so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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