No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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