I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
