How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
