He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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