just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
