Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize