I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
