I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
