Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
