you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
