i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
