my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
