His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
