let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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