everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
