So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
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