I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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