so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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