sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
