Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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