dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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