I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
