I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
where are my eyebrows?
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