doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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