I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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