Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
home. puking in laundry basket.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
