i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
