If i could tip my vagina, i would.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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