I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
