I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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