There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
