I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
