I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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