so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
