Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
