You just made me feel so damn special
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
