the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
