I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
