hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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