thus making me awesome and them whores
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
