the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
