Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize