Sponge bath it is.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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