Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
