theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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