I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
