We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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