She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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