Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
